Addiction

In With the Down-and-Outs

by Enormous on September 8, 2007

I never know whether to give money to homeless people or not.

‘Spare change, mate?’ I was asked this morning by a dirty and disease-ridden beggar who was loitering outside the Co-op.

‘Yes, thank you,’ I replied and continued on my way wearing a wry smile of childish satisfaction.

I felt awful on my return to the house, however, and had to severely rebuke myself for being such a self-righteous arsehole. So much so, in fact, that I immediately went out again to try to make amends.

I relocated the young man easily. Huddled and crouching, he had positioned himself in front of the bakery and was frowning at the pavement, spitting. As I approached, it sounded as though he was reciting some form of ancient Scottish verse to himself, though on closer inspection, I realised that it was just the eager mutterings of someone who was practicing his swearing for later on in the day, when he was drunk.

Going against all of my principles – casual or otherwise – I deposited five pounds in his grubby, little, wooden box and stopped to chat to him for a few minutes. ‘I fancy you would have more luck if you busked with an instrument or something, rather than just hanging around looking forlorn,’ I ventured.

‘Did do,’ he told me. ‘I had a flute but sold it for drugs.’

‘Oh dear. Is that what you will do with the fiver I have just given you – use it to buy drugs?’ I asked him.

Yeah,’ he said – his face a big rancid grin of rotting teeth.

And therein lies my dilemma. You can never be sure whether it will realistically benefit these people or not: if they are simply given money for doing nothing. And to that end, I always tend to err on the side of not.

I do appear to have made a new friend, though. Trouble is, I am now afraid that he followed me home and is planning on breaking into the house. Or am I being paranoid?

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Guilty, M'Lud

by Enormous on May 9, 2007

Nelson Galaxy tells me he bumped into George Michael as he was leaving Brent Magistrates’ Court in London yesterday. ‘He didn’t look guilty,’ reported Nelson.

But there really is no reason for George to be contrite, is there? His offensive driving only came about – allegedly – because of tiredness and ‘prescribed’ drugs; so one would really have to blame his doctor.

I wish my GP would sometimes prescribe me some exciting and glamorous drugs instead of the boring painkillers he usually hands out. The last time I felt like indulging in some naughty substances, I was stopped in my tracks by Audrey. She looked up at me with her soft brown eyes, and her little dog face seemed to say: ‘Stop.‘

I flushed the small amount I had down the toilet and have not had any since. That was five years ago.

At the time, my ‘dealer’ said to me: ‘Come on, Napoleon, play the game. If you don’t do business with me, I’ll put dozens of your songs on the internet for people to download for free.’ I ignored his threats because I knew his childish reasoning was just petty, spiteful rubbish generated by an ignorant, little mind.

On the Fantastic hi-fi today:
Almost Everything – Enormous
Jarvis – Jarvis Cocker

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A Close Shave

by Enormous on February 21, 2007

Larry Rudolph, Britney Spears’ manager, informs me that the troubled pop singer has gone back into rehab. Apparently, the poor girl checked into an unnamed facility at the request of her mother and other family members.

Britney has been trying to contact me periodically since her much-publicised split from erstwhile paramour Kevin Federline, but we haven’t actually got to talk yet, what with my busy schedule and all.

I met her in London a few months ago and we got on famously. We later met up again in the studio and enjoyed an agreeable little shant together one sunny afternoon in June. It was obvious that we were destined to have congress, but, since that charming day, neither of us has been able to find a suitable window in our busy diaries for a further assignation – though our mutual attraction was so obvious at the time, you could see it from space.

I hear that Larry and the other people who are ‘looking after’ Britney have built, for her immediate protection from the media, a big colourful tent with clowns and lions in it. Oh, no, sorry… silly me! That’s a circus. I’m getting confused.

Postscript: I just heard on the grapevine that for a minimum starting bid of one million dollars one can buy Britney’s hair on the internethttp://www.buybritneyshair.com. This is it, the opportunity of a lifetime! It is being sold by the enterprising owner of Esther’s Haircutting Studio in Tarzana. If you have that kind of money, you can be the proud owner of, as well as her hair, the Omega clipper used to cut it all off and even the can of Red Bull that Britney was drinking at the time. You also get her blue Bic Lighter that she left behind and a DIY cloning kit, which, in combination with the severed locks, you can presumably use to create your very own Britney Spears in the privacy of your own bedroom once you get the precious stuff home. I must say goodbye now as I’ve just lost the will to live.

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