Audrey

I just realised that I made a pun in my last post but didn’t make the most of it.

I said that Big Arena Records (the label that I set up with Ashley Morgan and Paul Varga all those years ago) following the lead of Ashley Morgan’s other record labels and going analogue. I then went on to say that Audrey was being employed as chief stamp licker.

Audrey is a dog.

Following the lead.

Get it?

I’ll get my coat and return with other record label and dog inspired puns.

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Big Arena Records, the independent record label started by yours truly along with Ashley Morgan and Paul Varga has just recruited its latest member.

Audrey.

Big Arena Records has followed the lead of Ashley Morgan’s other record labels and gone analogue, leading us back into a world that we are much more familiar and comfortable with.

Audrey’s role is chief stamp licker, a job that she relishes and one that is very important in this new analogue age we are going back to.

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Audrey has become a fan of Enormous and also a fan of my, Paul Varga and Ashley Morgan’s record label Big Arena Records. She will be issued with two fan rosettes sometime later today once we pick them up from the printers. The local press have been informed and have promised to send their top hot-shot photographer to mark the occasion.

Today the Mansfield Chad (the local free rag), tomorrow the world. Because if we can persuade one newspaper to take a photograph of a dog becoming a fan of a band and our record label and get some local interest then who knows what we can blag from the hungry news hounds (no dog pun intended).

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Jazz musician Ashley Morgan goes analogue

by Enormous on January 3, 2011

Ashley Morgan, jazz musician and Enormous trumpet player, has told me and the rest of the band, including a very confused looking Audrey, that he plans to go fully analogue in the next 12 months.

Quite what he means I really can’t imagine.

He says he’s going to only record his own music using analogue equipment, keeping the path from recording to release completely analogue. That means recording on tape, mixing and mastering on tape, and releasing on vinyl.

I suppose that jazz is a good candidate for analogue but I honestly can’t say that I think the pros outweigh the cons on this one. We shall have to wait and see. The end product will be interesting and, according to Ashley Morgan, have more humanity than anything digital every could (and I agree with him on that point, salient as it is), but the costs will be huge.

Time to go shopping for a new tape machine.

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Drink

by Enormous on August 12, 2009

Audrey and I were at the vet’s yesterday for her quarterly check-up.

The vet – who was a very pretty female locum we had encountered only once before – had me stumbling to find my words and breaking out in a cold sweat. She was that beautiful.

Audrey is doing very well as always, Mr Lawrence,’ she told me. ‘I’ll just go and get you some more insulin from the fridge for her.’

‘I think I love that vet,’ I informed my little dog, who was panting heavily because of the humid weather. ‘Are you hot, girl? We’ll soon be home and you can have a nice cold drink of water. A lovely big drink.’

The vet returned presently with our prescription. ‘Here you are,’ she said, handing me the cold little bottle.

‘Drink,’ I said.

‘Pardon?’

‘ – ‘

‘Did you just say “drink”?’

‘I – ‘

She was smiling and blushing slightly. Freckles had risen on her neck. ‘Did you just ask me out for a drink?’

I was reminded of the time last year when I said ‘monkey’ to that woman in the park.

‘No.’ I told her. My negative reply sounded like a question, its tone went up at the end. ‘No,’ I said again.

I am an idiot. She might have said yes.

I could blame my hairy little companion for constantly placing me in situations where pretty women are present; but I won’t. Not simply because I should be thanking her for such things (and also because I love her with the radiant nuclear fury of the sun), but because it was my fault entirely, for being stupid and awkward, and for walking around with a permanent erection like an adenoidal fifteen year-old.

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Bo Selected

by Enormous on April 14, 2009

I am so glad the Obama kids have decided to call their new dog Bo.

Bo was my Irish great-grandfather’s nickname. He was a hero in World War One. He received the Victoria Cross for valour “in the face of the enemy” which probably meant he told some devastatingly bad jokes to a few Germans and forced them to surrender.

He was infamous as an incorrigible teller of egregiously unfunny gags, rendering mute anyone who encountered him – not from trying to breathe through tears of laughter, but from confusion and tedium. It has been said by certain family members that I take after him in this regard but – and I am not joking when I say this – it is a complete fallacy.

Something else that endears the new Obama dog to me is the fact that he looks a lot like Audrey, what with his glorious abundance of black hair and his sad eyes. He does not have a long white beard like she does, however, something that holds him back slightly in the canine perfection stakes. (Audrey just told me that.)

In fact, when I pointed out to her the fact that he resembled her quite a lot, she remained unimpressed and looked at me stoically as if to say: ‘Whatever.’

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Spring Break

by Enormous on March 25, 2009

‘But you’re all right, aren’t you, father?’

‘Yes, of course I am, Audrey,’ I told my concerned little dog. ‘I’m just ever so slightly a bit exhausted. The doctor says I have been running myself into the ground and need to have a few days off just doing nothing.’

‘Oh,’ she barked, somewhat relieved, and went on scanning the road ahead for cats.

We passed a new piece of graffiti on the rec’ which read ‘Simo is a homosexal gay’ which made me chuckle to myself – not that Simo is gay; I was aware of that already, but the fact that he is a homosexal gay, which is a damning qualification and singular piece of public information that I’m sure will surprise quite a lot of the local inhabitants.

‘Laughter is the best medicine,’ my doctor had just told me.

‘I know; but what about drugs? Can I have some drugs? Drugs are good medicine.’

‘I can’t prescribe you any drugs, Mr Lawrence – you just need a rest.’

Thus it is I have decided to take myself off to the Kellogg’s Sanatorium in the hills and spend a few days in equable convalescence.

‘But you are incapable of relaxing, father. The experience will cause you to become even more anxious than you are already.’

‘Be quiet, Audrey!’ I told her. ‘Let’s go home and get some work done.’

A young woman in a short skirt was delivering leaflets when we turned into Lansbury Avenue. She was beautiful. I tugged Audrey’s lead and quickened our pace, feeling a sudden and urgent need to return home and prepare for my inevitable eleven o’clock tumescence.

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