Britney Spears

Afternoons With Kylie

by Enormous on May 19, 2008

‘I’m sorry, but I really do not want to buy any make-up.’

‘Or perfume?’

‘Or perfume.’

I couldn’t get rid of Kylie, the local representative for a well-known cosmetics company yesterday. She was convinced I had a woman in the house somewhere who might want to buy something from her. She kept looking over my shoulder, trying to see into the kitchen. ‘I really don’t want to look like Britney Spears – who does? And I’m really busy. I would love to stay and chat but I have to go now to prepare my evening meal.’ I thought she would sympathise with me if I mentioned food.

‘Okay, but would you be interested in – ‘

‘No.’

‘I have some Estée Lauder on offer at – ‘

‘No. I’m so hungry my stomach cells are thinking of applying for other jobs in my body.’

‘Ha ha. Well, I’ll leave you the catalogue in case you –’

‘No need.’

‘You could just glance through it and – ‘

‘I’m closing the door now. Goodbye.’

‘But . . .’

‘I’m sorry. I’m incredibly busy today. I’d love to talk with you for hours but I have to go and recalculate Pi to a million decimal places. Farewell.’

She was on her tiptoes still trying to look past me into the house as I finally closed the door on her. I don’t think she’ll be back.

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Britney Calling

by Enormous on May 18, 2008

A young woman has just pushed a catalogue from a local cosmetics company through my letterbox. (No, it didn’t hurt.)

To accompany the glossy brochure, she has supplied a note upon which she has written in a childish hand: ‘Hello Im Kylie I will be call back for your order later today look like Britney Spears!!!!!’ Underneath, she has carefully written out her telephone number in case I need some eye-shadow or lipstick in a hurry and cannot wait until this afternoon.

On the front of the catalogue itself, she has written: ‘Look like Jordan and Katie Price!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ (There were nineteen exclamation marks after this statement – quite a lot for a Sunday morning, it nearly brought on an angina attack; I suspect they are on offer at the Co-op.)

I have not the faintest idea what Kylie believes a man living alone with his dog would want with a make-up catalogue. Perhaps she thinks I need a make-over or just something light to bring out the blue in my eyes. Maybe she has mistaken me for Nelson Galaxy.

Whatever – what I want to know is this: who on earth would want to look like Britney Spears?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Lollipop Lollipop

by Enormous on May 2, 2007

Nelson Galaxy and I were in San Diego yesterday.

Nelson is launching a new range of lollipops aimed at the musical sweet-toothed transvestite market and he had a meeting with some Californian venture capitalists who are interested in investing in his fruity idea. He took me along for moral support. He was showing off a little, too.

The business get-together went very well (keep a keen look-out on your supermarket shelves for the TV Frooty-Pops) and in the evening we decided, by way of a modest celebration, to hit the town and perhaps take in a show. One of Nelson’s favourite bands, The M&M’s, were billed to appear at the House of Blues club and after swiftly finishing off a couple of bottles of bubbly in the swish hotel bar, we ventured out into the night and enthusiastically made our way to the famous venue.

Imagine our surprise however, when instead of The M&M’s taking to the stage at the allotted time, it was actually our very good friend Britney Spears who stepped up to the microphone. ‘I knew something like this was gonna happen tonight,’ declared Nelson. ‘I could feel it in my water.’
‘Indeed. These things always do when you’re around.’ I told him.

It was Britney’s first appearance on stage since she left rehab. She only played five songs – bless her, but it was a wonderful evening. Twitching uncontrollably and smiling like a thrilled idiot, Nelson skipped over to her and thrust a lollipop into her hand as she left the stage. ‘Thanks for coming,’ she told him with a wink.

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A Close Shave

by Enormous on February 21, 2007

Larry Rudolph, Britney Spears’ manager, informs me that the troubled pop singer has gone back into rehab. Apparently, the poor girl checked into an unnamed facility at the request of her mother and other family members.

Britney has been trying to contact me periodically since her much-publicised split from erstwhile paramour Kevin Federline, but we haven’t actually got to talk yet, what with my busy schedule and all.

I met her in London a few months ago and we got on famously. We later met up again in the studio and enjoyed an agreeable little shant together one sunny afternoon in June. It was obvious that we were destined to have congress, but, since that charming day, neither of us has been able to find a suitable window in our busy diaries for a further assignation – though our mutual attraction was so obvious at the time, you could see it from space.

I hear that Larry and the other people who are ‘looking after’ Britney have built, for her immediate protection from the media, a big colourful tent with clowns and lions in it. Oh, no, sorry… silly me! That’s a circus. I’m getting confused.

Postscript: I just heard on the grapevine that for a minimum starting bid of one million dollars one can buy Britney’s hair on the internet – http://www.buybritneyshair.com. This is it, the opportunity of a lifetime! It is being sold by the enterprising owner of Esther’s Haircutting Studio in Tarzana. If you have that kind of money, you can be the proud owner of, as well as her hair, the Omega clipper used to cut it all off and even the can of Red Bull that Britney was drinking at the time. You also get her blue Bic Lighter that she left behind and a DIY cloning kit, which, in combination with the severed locks, you can presumably use to create your very own Britney Spears in the privacy of your own bedroom once you get the precious stuff home. I must say goodbye now as I’ve just lost the will to live.

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