by Enormous on April 2, 2008
‘That’s a lovely tune.’ I was complimenting a handsome brunette who was serving me in the Co-op. She was humming loudly as she handed over my Cheshire cheese.
‘Oh, thank you,’ she giggled. ‘My family are always telling me how musical I am.’
‘They’re not wrong.’
‘I just love beautiful melodies.’
‘Me too; don’t stop,’ I told her, smiling with as much charm as I could muster for a damp Tuesday morning. She blushed. Then I had an idea: ‘You don’t play any instruments do you – like the bass guitar?’
‘Pardon?’
‘My band Enormous have a gig coming up and our usual bass player isn’t available. I was offering you a job.’ I was trying hard not to blush as well.
She laughed. ‘Well my dad always told me I’d make a good little drummer.’
‘We’ve already got one of those’ I said.
Tagged as:
Bands,
Cheese,
Enormous,
Gigs,
Pretty Girls
by Enormous on March 24, 2008
I’m shocked. I simply could not believe it on Saturday when my Uncle Michael did me an enormous favour. We have hardly been on speaking terms for about fifteen years and it has been an established belief within the family that we hate each other’s guts.
Michael is a staunch supporter of the British National Party, an organisation whose political ethos differs slightly from that of my own, to say the least. He is a rather odd-looking fellow: he is very overweight and has a strangely coloured complexion, the like of which has long been regarded as something of a medical curiosity. (His face has a sort of greeny-white pallor that changes to a colour that doesn’t actually exist in this dimension whenever he manages to rise from his armchair to waddle into his filthy kitchen to get more cheese.) I once saw him naked and now I always have to close my eyes whenever I go past a butcher’s shop.
I thanked him for his kindness and told him how much his help was appreciated. ‘Uncle Mike, I didn’t know you cared.’
He shrugged heavily. ‘I don’t,’ was all he had to say.
Not a word was uttered after that. We stood in silence for about three minutes while the wind blew an empty can of Foster’s Lager along the street outside. Audrey was looking up at me and blinking furiously. Once again, mute canine witness was being paid to my spectacular lack of social ability.
Tagged as:
Audrey,
Bigotry,
Cheese,
Family,
Politics
by Enormous on December 21, 2007
The man on the cheese counter in the Co-op earlier this morning was for some inexplicable reason dressed as a Viking.
‘Didn’t they have any Santa outfits left?’ I asked him while ordering my Christmas Stilton and Camembert.
‘I’m a Viking,’ he hissed, ‘and I can’t wait to get out of this frightful outfit, darling’ – I think he leaned a little towards the lavender as my Aunty Gladys used to say – ‘it’s playing havoc with my hair.’
I thought about having a seasonal joke with him but I wasn’t sure he would appreciate it: his eyes gave away nothing as he went about his cheesy business. I got the distinct impression he wasn’t in the mood for my irreverent and restless festive questioning so I paid for my smelly provisions and left.
I plan to cook some ripe oyster mushrooms in a Stilton and sherry sauce for Nelson when he arrives from London this evening. After our meal, we shall no doubt be patronising the local beer cellars, our recording duties deferred until tomorrow.
It is at this point that I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I plan to not post very many words over the festive period due to heavy recording commitments and Nelson’s insistence on poisoning me with alcohol. I might manage a drunken paragraph or two but if not, calm your crazy hearts: I shall return in a few days.
Happy Holidays – I sincerely hope you are having a wonderful life in your very own Bedford Falls.
Cheers! Napoleon. X
Tagged as:
Cheese,
Christmas,
Cooking,
Drinking