Dogs

Gentleman Davy

by Enormous on August 1, 2009

‘Thank you. You’re a gentleman.’

I was holding the door to the bank open for a pretty woman with bright red lipstick and perfume that smelled a bit German. ‘There aren’t many of us left, you know.’

‘You can say that again.’ She fluttered her long eyelashes and looked at me in a kittenish way that definitely wasn’t German.

I couldn’t think of anything to say so I just gave her my David Niven smile and bowed my head slightly. ‘I love you,’ I thought – well, at least I think I thought it, I was suddenly terrified that I had actually said it out loud.

But all was apparently well. She spent a few moments talking to a cashier in soft, well-spoken tones and glanced at me again before leaving. ‘See you later,’ she said.

‘I certainly hope so.’ I definitely said that out loud and regretted doing so for the rest of the day.

‘I’m full of clichés,’ I lamented to Audrey when I got back to the house. ‘But sometimes certain things just have to be said.’

‘Woof!’ she informed me.

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Bo Selected

by Enormous on April 14, 2009

I am so glad the Obama kids have decided to call their new dog Bo.

Bo was my Irish great-grandfather’s nickname. He was a hero in World War One. He received the Victoria Cross for valour “in the face of the enemy” which probably meant he told some devastatingly bad jokes to a few Germans and forced them to surrender.

He was infamous as an incorrigible teller of egregiously unfunny gags, rendering mute anyone who encountered him – not from trying to breathe through tears of laughter, but from confusion and tedium. It has been said by certain family members that I take after him in this regard but – and I am not joking when I say this – it is a complete fallacy.

Something else that endears the new Obama dog to me is the fact that he looks a lot like Audrey, what with his glorious abundance of black hair and his sad eyes. He does not have a long white beard like she does, however, something that holds him back slightly in the canine perfection stakes. (Audrey just told me that.)

In fact, when I pointed out to her the fact that he resembled her quite a lot, she remained unimpressed and looked at me stoically as if to say: ‘Whatever.’

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Romano Di Natale

by Enormous on January 4, 2009

‘Hey, Reg, had a nice Christmas? What did Santa Claus bring you?’

Audrey immediately pounced on Hercules, my elderly friend’s tiny little Jack Russel, and proceeded to demonstrate to him how fast real dogs can run, as Reg began reeling off a long list: ‘Fondue set from my sister in Chester; sock and handkerchiefs from another sister in Rye; box of chocolates; aftershave from my nephew Jack; a DVD from . . .’

He paused in his catalogue, seemingly lost in thought.

‘What did you get from Maria, your lovely girlfriend?’

‘I was a bit disappointed there, Davy,’ he sighed, ‘she gave me a bottle of vodka and a cheap shaving kit from Boots.’

‘Hmm, I wonder what she had in mind.’

‘She’s Italian,’ he reminded me.

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Moron Replacement Therapy

by Enormous on November 6, 2008

I’m feeling murderous.

I have a surgically sharp set of knives in the kitchen. Their very presence makes me want to use them.

People around here are really getting on my nerves at the moment. It isn’t their fault, of course; you can’t blame them for being born complete and utter arseholes.

I wish the relevant authorities would substitute everyone with hairy dogs – something I have discussed at length with Audrey; and, while I find it a rather seductive idea, she still remains distinctly apprehensive about its potential consequences.

Still, it is nearly Christmas. I used to really look forward to Christmas, but allowing myself such optimism these days seems no more than a gesture from a forgotten world.

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Woofers And Tweeters

by Enormous on October 29, 2008

Audrey loves to chase birds in the park – especially the big black crows that flap and fly away and laugh at her from the plane trees beyond the long grass. She has of course yet to catch one.

This morning she startled a wood pigeon that was quietly minding its own business pecking at the cold ground on the path at the entrance to the children’s play area. In making its escape it flew directly into her; she was knocked on to her back and a pathetic yelp of canine dismay was released amidst the chaos of fur and feather.

She twisted on to her feet and hastily retreated to the relative safety of the area between my feet. ‘I have decided not to chase any more birds, father,’ her big brown eyes informed me. ‘I believe them to be rather annoying and unpredictable creatures.’

I dusted off her long back. ‘I know exactly what you mean, Audrey.’

On the way home we passed a woman with a face so wry and lovely that it was scored instantaneously into my permanent memory: I was falling in love again.

On the Fantastic hi-fi today:
Fortress Round My Heart – Ida Maria

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Another Close Encounter

by Enormous on September 22, 2008

“Hello again. Are you . . . Were you all right the other day? You seemed a little . . .”

“Oh, yes. No. Sorry about that; I’m having a few problems at home.”

“Oh, how unfortunate; never mind, I’m sure things will improve. Ha ha ha. Your little spaniel is as crazy as ever.”

“He’s going to be a rogue, this one.”

“Is he? A rogue? In what sense?”

” . . . ”

“Is he going to be a rogue in the sense of a dishonest or unscrupulous person; or in the sense of a mischievous child; or a wild animal that has separated from the herd?”

“Erm . . .”

“Well, ha ha ha, I must get back to work. Say goodbye to Rogue, Audrey.”

“His name isn’t Rogue.”

“Ha ha ha.”

“What do you do, anyway?”

“Who? Me? Oh, I’m a reclusive rock star. Ha ha ha! No, actually, I’m self-employed; I work all alone at home in my little recording studio.”

“Completely alone? All day, every day?”

“I’m afraid so. Audrey helps me by patiently lying around in the control-room.”

“I couldn’t spend all my time in isolation like that.”

“I’m not mad. Blurrrrghgghg!”

” ! ”

“Sorry. I’m really not mad. It’s all right being so alone, actually: you can get a lot of work done; and it means you don’t contaminate another human being with your troubles.”

“Goodbye.”

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Close Encounter

by Enormous on September 19, 2008

‘Very pleased to meet you. Audrey and I have seen you a few times with your lively young spaniel. He’s very red. I like red – it’s my favourite colour. Actually, I have no idea why I said that; blue is my favourite colour. Or purple. Blue and purple. Red is a very nice colour, though. Reliable. Ha ha ha. Do you live on The Croft?’

‘Kennack Close.’

‘That’s nice. He’s a bouncy one! How old is he?’

‘Twelve weeks.’

‘Really? He’s going to be big.’

‘Actually, the vet said he’s rather small.’

‘Small, yes. I meant small. Audrey was twelve weeks when I got her. Coincidence! I rescued her from an evil farmer in Upton; he – ‘

‘I’m sorry, I have to go.’

‘Oh dear. Are you all right?’

‘Yes. No. Yes, I’m just . . . it’s just . . . I must go. Very nice to meet you.’

‘You seem a little – ‘

‘It’s really nothing.’

‘Can I – ‘

‘Goodbye.’ She gave a hesitant wave as sad as her smile, and walked away.

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