Jogging

Early Spurt

by Enormous on October 9, 2009

Audrey and I went for a jog at the crack of dawn today for the first time in months and we bumped into a woman with whom I was acquainted years ago. She used to look like a mutant version of Jennifer Aniston. Huffing and puffing uphill this morning she just looked like a mutant.

She was jogging towards me along the footpath that leads over the sheep fields to the Memorial at Crich. I recognised her as she drew near and my heart sank. I used to dislike her intensely. She was the receptionist for a studio in Mansfield in which I used to work, and if I stated that we didn’t appreciate each other’s company, I would be, yet again – very much like one of my literary heroes, Bill Bryson – indulging in riotous understatement.  Needless to say, I knew to a moral certainty that I was not about to enjoy our encounter.

‘Davy?‘ she panted as she drew near.

‘Well, well. Hello, Kristin. How are you? I haven’t seen you in years.’

‘Fine. Fine. Just moved into a new house in Blackwell with Jeff – you remember Jeff?’

‘Of course. Good old Jeff. How is he, your Jeff?’ I had no idea who Jeff was.

‘Davy, you’re looking absolutely wonderful. I can’t believe it! Really athletic and toned. You must work out a lot.’

Old animosities were suddenly forgotten in the parade of years. Kristin was my new best friend.

‘Well, actually – ‘

‘You must come round to visit. Jeff would love to see you again.’

‘Yes, I – ‘

‘Come to one of our swingers parties. You’d be very welcome with a physique like that.’

‘Pardon?’

‘You’d be very popular with all of my special lady friends – and one or two of my older male friends, too. You’ll make the hairs stand up on the backs of their little legs, you really will. Tuesdays. Eight o’clock.’

I tried to smile. I tried not to say anything. I was afraid that, as usual, in so doing, my mouth would slip and I would offend. But I did say something – and it wasn’t what I was expecting to hear come out of my mouth. It was this: ‘Yes, quite. That would be delightful.’

I think I’ll forget about jogging for the foreseeable future and confine my workouts to the gym in the village. It’s a good gym – small, but good.

Tagged as: , , , ,

{ 5 comments }

Every Cloud

by Enormous on April 16, 2009

Boy, it’s grim weather here today: heavy cloud and constant drizzle.

Looking out of the window I can see a massive, black, anvil-shaped monster of a thundercloud to the north just idly waiting until Audrey and I leave the house for our afternoon stroll around the park. It looks as if it is about to collapse under its own weight of grey.

Hum, I know that feeling.

We already got soaked to the skin when we were out by the old railway tracks this morning at eight o’clock. I didn’t mind, though, because we encountered a gorgeous female jogger who we often see down that part of the village. I was going to introduce myself but I messed up as usual.

‘Lovely morning,’ she panted as she drew near.

‘Is it?’ was my inspired reply.

Is it? Good grief, no wonder she frowned and just carried on past us, puzzled and slightly frightened. Is it? I was frowning too. The way I blunder through my lonely bachelorhood is a constant source of amazement to me.

My dissatisfaction with my awkward and depressingly charmless personality was tempered somewhat on the way home by my recollection of her tight Lycra jogging bottoms.

I just couldn’t get them out of my mind.

Their image remained there for most of the morning, in fact, precise and perfectly represented (I have a pornographic memory), suggesting to me all the stimulating possibilities for sexual mayhem that two healthy adults might enjoy together on the floor of a small recording studio on a wet and misty morning in April.

Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

{ 2 comments }