Musicians

The end of an Enormous music ride

by Enormous on November 1, 2011

Enormous is over. The music has stopped. The musicians involved have all gone back to their own projects leaving this website with one last purpose. To bid everyone a fond farewell and channel this website’s ample amount of readers into the arms of the musicians who made Enormous what it is and who now continue on their own musical journeys. Amazing as it may sound, this website still gets over 1,200 visitors every day without fail, most of whom are looking for one thing and one thing only.

Music.

Music, music and more music.

So, in no particular order…

Paul Varga. Paul Varga continues to work as one half of the Enormous Horns, the horn section that Enormous helped to launch, and is also available as a freelance saxophonist, transcriber and arranger. Paul also continue to work on a number of music projects with Ashley Morgan.

Travis Peters. Enormous crashed just a few months after diminutive pianist and organ handler Travis joined our then merry band of musicians. He’d hardly had time to set up his organ when the band came crashing down around his ears. Travis jumped ship and found a new home with Wwolves. The band, not the football team.

Graham Boffey. Still drumming in the corner where he can be heard for miles and miles.

Ashley Morgan. Enormous was never Ashley Morgan’s first love, musical or otherwise. Ashley Morgan’s own music always came first and that is probably how it will always be. Some people just aren’t cut out to be in other people’s bands because they can only hear their own music. Ashley Morgan is one of those people. Follow Ashley Morgan’s music career at ashleymorgan.com.

Mike Ridley-Dash. “I told you we should have hired the other guy”. Those were Ashley’s last words regarding Mr. Ridley-Dash and it’s safe to say that there was no love lost between the two of them. Musically and professionally they disagreed. And that’s an understatement. Mike continues to play and we all wish him well with his future endeavours musical or otherwise.

Davy Lawrence. Unknown. Missing in action. Napoleon Fantastic is dead, long live…?

But what about the music, what about the music?

Never fear, we hear your cry. Did you really think we were going to just flush over 5 studio albums of material down the lavatory? Did you really think we that musically stupid?

The Enormous music, the music of Davy Lawrence, Steve O’Toole, Graham Boffey, David Graham, Paul Varga and Ashley morgan. That music.

It’s coming.

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inbox zero for musicians

by Enormous on March 4, 2011

Inbox zero for musicians is easy. Read your email when it arrives. Reply to it if you want to. Then delete it.

Simple.

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What Woman Really Want

by Enormous on March 9, 2010

I was accosted by not one but two annoying men this morning.

First, punk drummer Sonny Starr who is so thick that light actually bends around him rang about eight o’clock this morning pleading for some ‘emergency studio time’. Apparently, his band Vince World and the Powertoys whose songs about ‘hot chicks’ with long legs and large ‘Zeppelins’ have been attracting some industry attention lately. I don’t believe for one minute that any record company would ever sign his awful band but according to Sonny ‘somebody massive’ is showing some interest. There again, like a lot of musicians, he is always telling stories without being unduly burdened by veracity.

‘You’re not using the studio,’ I repeated. ‘You’ll have to record your emergency demos somewhere else.’

‘No offence, Davy, but you are a bastard,’ he hissed over the phone.

He’s probably right on that one.

I have just about had it up to here, however, with bands and their songs that not only objectify women, but often belittle and demean them, too.

Next, while Audrey and I were running home over the rec’ to get out of the rain, Nigel-the-dickhead came bounding up to us to tell us what a wonderful night everyone had had in the pub celebrating the return of his wife. ‘She’s not lesbo any more,’ he proudly informed me. ‘Just couldn’t live without me.’

‘Did she realise what she was missing, Nige?’ I asked, tongue firmly in my cheek.

‘Of course. You see, unlike you, Dave . . . ‘

‘Davy.’

‘ . . . unlike you, I know how to treat a woman. I know exactly what they want. Dave.’

I can’t help thinking his errant wife must have had an ulterior motive for going back to him. Something to do with money, no doubt. Or am I being cynical? I simply don’t think any member of the female sex would ever find that tedious man with greasy hair and a face like a bag of frogs – ugly frogs – attractive in any way whatsoever. But that’s just me.

Once again I had been forced to spend a wonderfully edifying few moments being lectured at by Nigel on the subject of women and their desires. I was so happy.

When I got home all my teeth fell out.

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New Enormous Member

by Enormous on December 13, 2009

As predicted in the Book of Revelations, Enormous have finally found the the brilliantly talented bass player they were always looking for. Yay!

It turns out he is a handsome young fellow who goes by the name of Mike Ridley-Dash.

Welcome, Mike. Thanks for being our bass player. We love you.

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Clang!

by Enormous on October 19, 2009

So, in my dream last night, I had some free time; no one was ill; Enormous had a new bass player – with hair – and a keyboardist who played piano like Steve Nieve; nobody was depressed; nobody was poor.

As happens regularly in my dreams, Audrey could speak English. She said ‘Here are your  pyjamas, father. You forgot to put them on.’

‘I don’t wear such things, darling,’ I told her. ‘I’m an ex-punk rocker. You know that.’

‘But these are your special pyjamas,’ she insisted, ‘the ones you bought in the Bahamas. The ones with the big bananas on.’

‘Oh, those.’

‘Yes, your Bahamas banana pyjamas.’ I smiled at her sweet furry innocence.

There was suddenly a big noise from outside. Clang! Audrey jumped and looked at me with urgent concern in her eyes.

‘It’s all right, girl,’ I told her. ‘It’s just Jennifer Aniston delivering our money.’ She relaxed with a doggy groan. ‘What are you dreaming about?’ I asked her then.

‘I was dreaming about who would win in a fight between a monkey and an emu,’ she said.

‘Monkey, definitely.’ I mused.

When I eventually awoke, I felt even more joy due to the fact that I didn’t have a hangover. I was such a good boy again last night. I was so sober, I was seeing single. I hate hangovers. Being hung-under is eminently more preferable. It is always a tremendous relief when I wake up without one. They make mornings hell. I am always reminded of Wodehouse on the subject when he wrote: ‘The cat stamped into the room.’

Well, that’s all from me for now. Must dash. I am about to savour my Monday morning eleven o’clock orgasm.

Pip-pip!

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Babysitter Bassist Baby Issue

by Enormous on October 15, 2009

I was chatting to Walt, bassist with indie band The Babysitters yesterday. I have been trying to poach him for a few weeks now, using all my powers of manly seduction. I think Walt is a thoroughly agreeable chap and a very good musician – the kind of very good musician that would fit right into place in the Enormous line-up.

He has said before that he would love to join the band, but, apart from his duties with the Babysitters, he was telling me that his wife is due to give birth soon and that he would not really have the time or the energy to properly commit to Enormous. Stupid women. Stupid babies. What happened to rock ‘n’ roll?

Aside from his skills on the bass guitar, Walt is a clever and very witty man. I mentioned this to him during our conversation.

‘Yeah, bass players are traditionally regarded as being even dumber than drummers, aren’t they.’

‘That’s true, Walt,’ I told him. ‘And drummers, by definition, apart from being incredibly stupid, are also very, very annoying. All of them.’ I then remembered an old muso joke: ‘Hey, Walt, what did the bass player get on his IQ test?’

‘Tell me, Davy.’

‘Dribble.’

‘Ha, ha.’ Then he outdid me. ‘Here’s one for you that demonstrates the point even better.’

‘Go on, then.’

‘Did you hear about the drummer who arrived at the gig only to discover he had locked his keys in his car? It took him an hour to get the bass player out.’

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Telling Teenage Fortunes

by Enormous on September 17, 2009

No.48

On a sunny day in September you will decide you want to learn to speak German.

On the same day you will realise that quite a lot of musicians are autistic – and you seem to be acquainted with all of them.

These things are not connected.

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