Musicians

Telling Teenage Fortunes

by Enormous on October 26, 2008

No.27

When you are fourteen years-old you will make your parents buy you your first guitar – after you have threatened to commit suicide if they refuse. It will come from the Woolworth’s catalogue.

It will be a Hondo acoustic: an ugly American piece of crap that was produced in Japan from wood that should have been relabeled as ‘cheap plastic’.

This wretched instrument will be so difficult to play that struggling to do so will secretly reduce you to tears and temporarily force you into reconsidering your future career as a rock star.

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Jazz Band Mastering Marathon

by Enormous on October 15, 2008

I have an attended mastering session booked in tomorrow.

A jazz band contacted me a few weeks ago wanting to come in to the studio and master an album of traditional swing numbers. They have stipulated it be an attended session and are adamant it will take three or four days.

Apparently there are about twenty tracks, and while I am very happy to have the studio booked up for four whole days, I had to explain to the man who made the booking that the whole session would probably only take an afternoon, if that. ‘I work pretty quickly, you know,’ I told him, stupidly.

I’ve been in this situation many times before: trying to stretch out a recording or mastering session simply to earn more money. I don’t feel comfortable doing it, I can tell you. I hate being disingenuous – even if it is for business reasons.

Okay then – I’ll do it! I’ll try and stretch the session out to five or six days if I can.

(Is that bad of me?)

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Starmaker

by Enormous on September 15, 2008

I recorded Reg and his drums yesterday.

It was an easy job: I simply used a spaced pair of AKG414’s on the whole kit and close-miked the bass drum with a D112. In spite of what he had been telling me, Reg doesn’t play very loudly – in fact, he hardly touches the skins – so the resulting sound levels in the Big Arena tiny terraced-house studio were not unmanageable.

He asked me to accompany him on electric bass while he ran through a couple of his blues-style compositions. I overdubbed some guitar parts and we did a rough mix of the finished tracks at around ten o’clock last night.

If I told you that the elderly rocker was pleased with the results I would be indulging in riotous understatement. He was beside himself with overwhelming joy; he was practically writhing around the floor of the control room in ecstasy. I think I even heard him quietly weeping when I went downstairs to fetch his drum cases. And at one point he referred to me as Sugarplum – the pet name he had for his wife who is ‘sadly, no longer of this world’.

I promised him I would do a proper mix of the tracks later this week.

‘Wait till they hear these down at the allotments!’ he gushed.

He then asked me a question that was not totally unexpected – an earnest enquiry that often arrives at the end of a recording session: ‘Do you have Simon Cowell’s contact details, Davy?’

As for myself, I’ve had enough. I’m off to start a new life in Panama.

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Cherry Outburst

by Enormous on August 22, 2008

What is that constant ridiculous sound in the background of the Verve’s new single Love Is Noise? It sounds like a herd of geese. It makes Audrey bark like some kind of crazy female madman every time it is played on XFM. It ruins what is otherwise quite an average song.

Actually, I would rather like the Verve if they weren’t so . . . well, crap.

I met Richard Ashcroft once. Slaughterhouse 5 had just finished a disappointing gig at the Borderline in London and after we left the stage he ambled over to me at the noisy bar where I was busy drowning my sorrows. He slapped me hard on the back. ‘I’m Richard Ashcroft out of the Verve. I’m gonna give you some advice, and you’d do well to listen.’

‘Okay, I will,’ I told him, and got a solemn nod in return.

He bellowed in my ear: ‘Your guitar, that black Les Paul you’re using?’ – He had bad breath – ‘Wrong colour for your music, mate. You need to swap it for a cherry-sunburst seventies model, much more your style.’

I finished off my Guinness. ‘Thanks for telling me that,’ I shouted. And in calm, elegant italics, I added, I’ll see if I can find one.

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Hip Hop Pensioner Turns Blue

by Enormous on August 10, 2008

‘Reg, I’m sorry if I upset you the other day.’ I felt so bad, I had gone round to my elderly friend’s – the erstwhile alien abductee’s – house to apologise for being so rude to him.

He told me not to worry about it. ‘Anyway, what do you reckon, eh?’

‘What’s that, Reginald?’

‘I’ve bought a drumkit! I’m going to form a blues band.’

I couldn’t believe it. ‘Everybody’s forming bands these days.’

He began to reminisce: ‘I had an old kit in the spare room, years ago, when my wife was still alive. She used to tell me it sounded like I was building a shed up there.’

‘I bet she was lovely.’

‘Whatever. Anyways, I’ve made up my mind to really go for it this time – and book into your bloody studio. What do you reckon, eh?’

‘I’m sure it’s going to be a blessing for both of us, Reg,’ I told him.

Bouncing on the balls of his feet, a smile won his face. ‘See you later, Davy-boy.’ Somehow, it seemed to be a smile full of regret.

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Bass Player Acquired

by Enormous on July 11, 2008

I have an announcement to make:
Enormous now have a bass player. Yay!

His name is Steve.

During the rehearsal on Saturday, which was, in effect, an audition, it took only ten minutes and a quick run-through of That Girl Again and Let’s Run Away Together for Graham, Ash, Paul and me to realise that he was the man for the job.

So, the decision was made: he’s in. Steve has a new band and Enormous have a new bass player – and an incredibly talented one, at that.

Please join me in extending to him a big – no, an enormous – welcome. Welcome aboard, Mr Steve.

The search is now on to find a piano player. Anyone out there . . ?

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Mood Swings and Elevators

by Enormous on June 15, 2008

Punk drummer Sonny Starr paid the studio a visit yesterday. I was incredibly busy as usual and did not have the time to pay him much attention or to patronise him in the way to which he has become accustomed.

After he’d finished telling me about how he’d had a ‘right good blow-job’ from a member of Amy Winehouse’s female entourage in an elevator in a hotel in Dublin, he began trying to cajole me into letting him book some studio-time for some spurious band of which he is now a member. ‘We’re called the Mood Swings,’ he told me. ‘It’s sorta punk-jazz.’

I was having none of it. ‘I know you’re trying to book the studio for the Dysons,’ I insisted. ‘They aren’t coming in – not after last time, Sonny.’

‘What do you mean?’ he whined.

‘Your guitarist, Staz. After he’d spent the day sitting in a corner sniffing glue and urinating out of the upstairs window on to passing black men, he took a substantial dump, if you recall, on top of the toilet seat.’

‘Oh, yeah, sorry about that. He ain’t with us anymore.’

‘You still aren’t coming in.’

‘We’ll pay you in speed.’

‘You definitely aren’t going to be recording in this studio.’

‘But we’re jazz, man.’

‘You have no conception of jazz, Sonny. You only have one style of drumming: fast and loud.’

‘No listen,’ he said, ‘it’s easy. You just emphasise the fourth beat of every bar.’ He drummed on the table with his hands to demonstrate. His technique sounded fairly accurate but for some reason, the moment seemed weighed down, depressed.

‘Go away, Sonny,’ I said finally.

‘You’ve changed. You ain’t my friend no more,’ he said quietly. I detected real regret in his words. Opening the heavy door to the control-room, he turned and asked me: ‘Wanna buy some speed?’

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