I was accosted by not one but two annoying men this morning.
First, punk drummer Sonny Starr who is so thick that light actually bends around him rang about eight o’clock this morning pleading for some ‘emergency studio time’. Apparently, his band Vince World and the Powertoys whose songs about ‘hot chicks’ with long legs and large ‘Zeppelins’ have been attracting some industry attention lately. I don’t believe for one minute that any record company would ever sign his awful band but according to Sonny ‘somebody massive’ is showing some interest. There again, like a lot of musicians, he is always telling stories without being unduly burdened by veracity.
‘You’re not using the studio,’ I repeated. ‘You’ll have to record your emergency demos somewhere else.’
‘No offence, Davy, but you are a bastard,’ he hissed over the phone.
He’s probably right on that one.
I have just about had it up to here, however, with bands and their songs that not only objectify women, but often belittle and demean them, too.
Next, while Audrey and I were running home over the rec’ to get out of the rain, Nigel-the-dickhead came bounding up to us to tell us what a wonderful night everyone had had in the pub celebrating the return of his wife. ‘She’s not lesbo any more,’ he proudly informed me. ‘Just couldn’t live without me.’
‘Did she realise what she was missing, Nige?’ I asked, tongue firmly in my cheek.
‘Of course. You see, unlike you, Dave . . . ‘
‘Davy.’
‘ . . . unlike you, I know how to treat a woman. I know exactly what they want. Dave.’
I can’t help thinking his errant wife must have had an ulterior motive for going back to him. Something to do with money, no doubt. Or am I being cynical? I simply don’t think any member of the female sex would ever find that tedious man with greasy hair and a face like a bag of frogs – ugly frogs – attractive in any way whatsoever. But that’s just me.
Once again I had been forced to spend a wonderfully edifying few moments being lectured at by Nigel on the subject of women and their desires. I was so happy.
When I got home all my teeth fell out.
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