by Enormous on May 15, 2009
No.40:
Only when it is too late will it dawn on you that you are studying all the wrong subjects. On realising this, you will try to smile but it will not quite make it to your lips.
Tagged as:
Education,
Humour,
Teenagers,
Telling Teenage Fortunes
by Enormous on April 24, 2009
Audrey and I pass dozens of teenage schoolgirls every morning when we are coming back from our early walk along Mansfield Road near the Common.
It never fails to amaze me how such creatures are allowed to dress for a day of solemn learning in institutions that were – in my day, at least – very sober places.
Standards are too low now; attitudes to learning have become, sadly, frivolous and woefully lax.
The girls we pass daily seem to be on their way to a night out on the town with their thick, sickly-sweet perfume, short skirts and about half a stone of garish make-up; the carefully glamorous way they present themselves clearly announcing gala intentions, not a day of study in the classroom.
My old mum, in her amiable dementia, believes that schools should be done away with entirely and every child should be educated at home by their parents. Bless her.
I think I have the perfect solution, however: simply do away with teenagers.
Tagged as:
Education,
Humour,
School,
Standards,
Teenagers,
The Decline of Western Civilisation
by Enormous on April 22, 2009
No.39:
You will endeavour to read the whole of the Encyclopaedia Britannica after being encouraged to do so by an elderly man in a sweat-stained hat and a lively red lumberjack shirt who will suggest to you that doing so will ‘expand your horizons and significantly increase your future money-making potential.’
You will give up at the weekend.
Tagged as:
Humour,
Knowledge,
Predicting the Future,
Predictions,
Teenagers,
Telling Teenage Fortunes
by Enormous on March 20, 2009
No.37:
You will discover you have a talent for burning food – especially when you are cooking moules marinière for the lovely Catherine from Wales (who will keep touching your knee), and especially after drinking a bottle of white wine too quickly whilst constantly thinking about Catherine from Wales’s mysterious lady-parts.
(By the way, burnt mussels are disgusting.)
Tagged as:
Recipes,
Romance,
Teenagers,
Telling Teenage Fortunes,
Wales
by Enormous on March 5, 2009
I love it when the local gang of teenage girls – who always seem to have recently bathed in the latest Eau de Bubblegum perfume – hang around the entrance to the park in the evenings, making rude and lascivious comments as one tries to get past them with one’s hairy dog.
‘Got any fags?’ ‘Is your dog a bitch?’ ‘Can you ‘elp Harriet fix ‘er bike, mister?’ ‘Are you still a gay?’
They were holding a bicycle and it was damaged; the chain had come loose. I thought for a moment: shall I help and put it back on for them, these annoying girls who only want to torment and embarrass me?
Then Harriet stepped forward out of the group. She was considerably older than her friends and very, very beautiful.
‘I would be very grateful if you would give me a hand,’ she said, her eyes twinkling. ‘The oil plays havoc with my nails.’ She spoke in educated and mellifluous tones; it was music to my ears – and other essential parts of my anatomy.
‘Of course. Are you . . . ?’ I gestured toward the other grinning teens.
‘Oh, they’re my group,’ she laughed, ‘I’m their youth worker. We’re out for a cycle ride around the park but I’m the only one who arrived with any transport – I should have anticipated something like this happening. I tried improvising by just giving them a quick lesson on bicycle maintenance and my bloody chain came off.’
‘I know the feeling,’ I told her. ‘Mine came off years ago.’
She was lovely, actually. I should have asked her out.
Tagged as:
Anti-Social Behaviour,
Cycles,
Pretty Girls,
Romance,
Teenagers,
Women
by Enormous on February 23, 2009
I’d like to congratulate the thoughtful teenage tearaways who wandered down our street on Friday evening pouring paintstripper on parked cars.
Thanks, guys; without your considerate actions my neighbours would have nothing to talk about all day – and I would not have had the opportunity to be questioned for thirty minutes by a twelve-year-old policeman who couldn’t string three words together this morning while I was trying to do my work.
Luckily, they missed my car completely but Susan and Allen at number 29 had a lovely surprise when they arose on Saturday to find their new Mini Cooper liberally covered in the stuff, likewise the people at number 27 and 25 and others all the way down the street to the bottom of the hill.
Ah, teenagers, don’t you just love ‘em?
(I still reckon it’s a good job that, in this country, it is illegal to own a gun.)
Tagged as:
Anti-Social Behaviour,
Crime,
Guns,
Teenagers,
Vandalism
by Enormous on February 15, 2009