I do not like to hear teenage girls swearing or to see them scratching themselves in unsavoury places (You mean like outside the glue factory? – Crap Jokes Ed.), but what I find most disturbing is the occurrence of young females spitting in the street. And even then, if it was just one or two of them, I would not feel so disgusted. But when a whole group of about ten or twelve of them are at it, freely ejecting rich spittle and sticky, bronchial mucus on to the busy thoroughfare, I am outraged.
We had an unfortunate encounter with such a gathering yesterday whilst out enjoying our evening promenade. One generous dollop of the sickening liquid nearly landed on Audrey’s tail.
I could not help myself. ‘Excuse me,’ I said to the cross-eyed offender from whose mouth the saliva had been ejaculated, ‘But are you a moron?’
‘You what?’ she asked, laconically.
‘I do not mean to cause you any offence,’ I went on, ‘But it is of course to be taken for granted that your cerebral acuities are severely limited. I was just wondering if in fact you have an actual medical condition such as idiotism, Tourette’s or Down’s Syndrome perhaps, which would account for your egregious behaviour.’
‘F**k off, weirdo,’ she whispered. Which I did.
I could hear them calling me every name under the sun as we went down the hill and turned the corner. ‘Tell me, Audrey,’ I asked my little dog, ‘Why, oh why can’t I keep my big mouth shut?’
On the Fantastic hi-fi today:
Can’t Slow Down – Lionel Richie
{ 2 comments }