Voodoo

Whilst I was consulting the I Ching this morning to see if it would issue a directive that could help me decide whether to buy eggs or cheese from the Co-op for lunch, I was struck by the fact that it had stopped raining.

‘My God, Audrey,’ I said, ‘Sunshine! – let’s go for our midday walk early and enjoy this break in the clouds, shall we?’

‘Woof, father!’ was her excited reply.

It is amazing what a little sun can do to lift one’s mood. It seems as though it has been raining here for a thousand days and we simply couldn’t wait to get outside. My hope that we would not get wet again, however, was premature if not entirely erroneous. As soon as we were about half way around the rec’, down it came again, with even more force than before. ‘Oh fiddlesticks,’ said I.

‘And whatnot,’ agreed my little dog.

Trudging home, soaked to the skin once more, we encountered a short man with a Jack Russell terrier. ‘Morning,’ he said, ‘I could have told you, you know.’

My heart sunk. ‘Pardon?’

‘I’m an Aquatic Troubleshooter,’ he told me.

You’re an idiot, I thought.

‘Reg Hoggett, Plumber.’ He held out his hand and we exchanged a watery shake. He went on to explain how, because he works so closely with water, he can predict with scientific precision where and when it will rain.

‘So can I,’ I ventured. ‘Every time I take Audrey for a walk.’ He looked at me as if I had just told him I was a Jehovah’s Witness.

I decided, for once, not to be rude. He is only being friendly: Be nice, I thought. At least I think I thought it, I hope I wasn’t saying things out loud again . . . he began blinking very aggressively. A nervous tic, I inwardly hoped – yes, definitely inwardly that time.

‘It’s all this concrete, you see.’ He explained to me his theory about why this country and others in the developed world have been experiencing so much flooding recently. I was very proud of myself. I feigned great interest and nodded a lot and agreed with him when I thought it necessary to do so and even at one point in the conversation had the opportunity to expound some of my own theories about voodoo, global warming and Thai ladyboys.

When at last he had finished, and both our dogs had fallen asleep, and Audrey had begun to resemble a hairy prune, I told him how nice it was to have met him but that I had to go home because I was due for my afternoon brain haemorrhage. ‘Thanks, Reg, that was fascinating,’ I told him.

I was fascinated. I really enjoyed myself, standing there in the pouring rain talking to a bald plumber about concrete. I really did.

When I got home, I drank bleach.

Tagged as: Audrey, Dogs, English Weather, Floods, Global Warming, I Ching, Voodoo

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